A series of increasingly concerned Slack messages from the usually unflappable IT guy, who really just wanted a quiet Monday fixing printer jams. Instead, he found himself starring in his own bootleg version of Netflix's 'Zero Day’. No Robert De Niro included, just pure panic and rapidly depleting energy drink supplies.
Monday, 9:03 AM
@channel Hey team! Just your friendly IT department checking in. Quick reminder that if Netflix is absolutely essential to your workday (no judgement, we’ve all been there during those 3-hour budget meetings), please use your personal devices. Though I must say, whoever’s been binge-watching that new “Zero Day” show about cyber warfare on their work laptop—I appreciate your commitment to professional development! But maybe save the cyber catastrophe scenarios for after hours? 🤪
Monday, 10:17 AM
@channel Small update! Noticed some unusual activity in our network. Probably nothing. You know how Mondays are—even our servers get the blues. Though speaking of “zero days” (and not just because of that show), funny story: did you know that’s what we call vulnerabilities that developers have exactly zero days to fix because the bad guys found them first? It’s like finding out someone discovered a secret entrance to your house that even you didn’t know about. Not that I’m suggesting we have one! Just making conversation. Totally normal Monday stuff.
Monday, 11:42 AM
@channel Hey again! Quick question: is anyone else’s computer making a strange whirring sound, like it’s trying to mine cryptocurrency or possibly achieve consciousness? Also, completely unrelated, but who approved installing “TotallyLegitBusinessApp_v2.exe“? Asking on behalf of a friend. 😅
Monday, 2:15 PM
@channel Remember how in that Netflix show they talked about cascading system failures? Coincidentally, has anyone noticed their desktop wallpaper being replaced with a countdown timer? No? Just me? Cool cool cool.
Monday, 3:30 PM
@channel OKAY LISTEN UP PEOPLE. Remember how this morning I made that cute little joke about zero days? Well, turns out we’re living in one! Fun! It’s like we’re all extras in that Netflix show, except nobody’s getting paid and the special effects budget is just me sweating profusely at my desk.
Currently, our system is about as secure as a chocolate fireplace. Someone used a zero-day exploit to… well, let’s just say if our network was a house, someone didn’t just find a secret entrance—they’re currently hosting a house party and rearranging our digital furniture.
Monday, 4:45 PM
@channel Good news: I’ve figured out the problem! Bad news: Remember that cute cat video someone (cough Marketing Department cough) downloaded and shared to us last week? Turns out it wasn’t actually a cat video. Unless cats have learned to code in Python when I wasn’t looking. Though at this point, I’m willing to believe anything.
Monday, 5:55 PM
@channel Crisis averted! Turns out watching episodes of cyber security shows actually paid off. Though I have to say, real-life zero-day exploits are way less dramatic than Netflix makes them seem. No dramatic music, no Robert De Niro narration, just me, six energy drinks, and a lot of regrettable coding decisions from 2019 coming back to haunt us.
Tuesday, 8:00 AM
@channel New security policy update: All cat videos must now be vetted by IT. Please submit them through the proper channels (aka my new “Is This Cat Actually Malware?” Google Form). Also, if anyone needs me, I’ll be in my office reviewing our security protocols. Not watching Netflix, because that would be unprofessional. Unlike watching cat videos, which I’ll be more careful about from now on. Cats do have a habit of coming back—usually with extra code. 😼
P.S. To whoever named their workstation “HackermannSupreme” after yesterday’s episode—I saw what you did there. And I respect it, but please change it back.