As transcribed by the Chester Chronicle's science correspondent, who has finally accepted their peculiar beat.
If you’ve ever wondered about why farts are smelly—and let’s be honest, who hasn’t?—you might expect to find answers in a medical journal or perhaps a gastroenterologist’s office. You probably wouldn’t expect the definitive explanation to come from the Lost Sock Investigation Unit (LSIU), yet here we are.
Following the notorious “Smelly Steam Room Scandal” at the Royal Chester Hotel, Dr. Eleanor Driftswoot, PhD (still updating her CV hourly) has become an unexpected authority on what she desperately tries to call “gaseous biochemical emissions in forensic applications.” The Lost Sock Investigation Unit’s newly appointed scientist agreed to this interview on the condition that we meet in an outdoor cafe with excellent ventilation.
For readers who missed the original Smelly Steam Room Scandal case that launched Dr. Driftswoot’s unexpected career trajectory, you can find the full story in our previous article: “Something Stinks at the Royal Chester: The Steam Room Scandal“
“I suppose,” she sighs, stirring her third espresso of the morning, “if one must become famous in scientific circles, it might as well be for something nobody else is studying. Though I did rather hope it would be for discovering a new galaxy or curing the common cold.”
Chronicle: Dr. Driftswoot, could you explain the science behind why certain foods create more… distinctive emissions?
Driftswoot: (Pinching the bridge of her nose) It’s fascinating, really. Though not the kind of fascinating I imagined when I was accepting my doctorate. You see, it all comes down to the sulfur-containing compounds in foods. Take Brussels sprouts, for instance—as our friend Sebastian “Gassy” Windbreakar unfortunately did. When these compounds meet our gut bacteria, they create a perfect storm of hydrogen sulfide. It’s essentially the same chemical process that creates the smell of rotten eggs, though I prefer not to think about that while eating breakfast.
Chronicle: Let’s address some common questions from our readers. First up: Should one hold in their… emissions?
Driftswoot: (Checking her phone for academic job listings) Ah yes, the eternal question of social etiquette versus biological necessity. While my colleagues at more prestigious institutions are studying black holes, I’m explaining why creating internal pressure vessels is inadvisable. From a scientific perspective, holding it in may cause discomfort and, more alarmingly, lead to what we in the field call “catastrophic containment failure.” In layman’s terms, you might lose control of both gas AND… other substances. The LSIU has some case files marked ‘Tragic Timing’ that I’d rather not discuss.
Chronicle: What about the age-old debate: Are noisy farts less smelly?
Driftswoot: (Glumly fishing out her “fart facts” notebook) This particular myth is about as scientifically sound as using a dowsing rod to find missing socks. The acoustics and aromatics are entirely independent variables. The sound is purely mechanical—think of it as an organic trumpet, if you must—determined by factors like exit velocity and… aperture configuration of your… anus. I can’t believe I’m explaining this in a public interview. The smell, meanwhile, is all about chemical composition. Windbreakar’s case actually provided excellent data for this research, though I doubt that will impress my former thesis advisor.
Chronicle: Here’s an interesting one: Do men’s farts smell worse than women’s?
Driftswoot: (Taking a long sip of espresso) Contrary to what one might expect—and believe me, I would have preferred not to become the world expert on this topic—the data suggests that women often produce more potent emissions. It’s primarily due to higher rates of constipation and vegetable consumption. The longer… the material… remains in the system, the more intense the resulting aroma. I’ve had to create an entirely new scale for measuring this, which my colleagues have unfortunately dubbed “The Driftswoot Intensity Index”—though I’m rather hoping it doesn’t catch on. My mother still thinks I’m researching renewable energy.
Chronicle: Your research must have uncovered some fascinating metrics. Care to share some numbers?
Driftswoot: (Pulling out a stack of research papers with visible resignation) Did you know that the average person produces between 0.5 and 1.5 litres of intestinal gas per day? That’s enough to fill a small balloon. Though why anyone would want to… (shudders) I’ve had to create a whole new section in my laboratory notebooks labeled “Things I Wish I Didn’t Know.”
The conversation is briefly interrupted as a gust of wind carries the distinct aroma of the nearby zoo’s elephant enclosure. Dr. Driftswoot automatically begins analysing its chemical composition before catching herself and taking another long sip of espresso.
Chronicle: Any medical advice for our readers?
Driftswoot: (Reluctantly accepting her role as a public health expert) While holding it in might seem socially advantageous, it’s not recommended. The buildup of pressure can lead to… well, let’s just say timing becomes unpredictable. For those in particularly delicate situations, activated charcoal tablets can help absorb excess gas. Though I should note that persistent symptoms like abdominal pain or unexpected weight loss should be discussed with a proper medical professional—one who, unlike me, actually chose this field of study.
Chronicle: Your guide is set to be published next month. What can readers expect?
Driftswoot: (Updating her LinkedIn profile to “Aromatic Forensics Specialist”) It’s quite comprehensive, actually. We cover everything from the bacterial fermentation process to dietary influences. There’s even a chapter on the historical use of distinctive aromas in crime-solving, though most of those cases were accidental rather than… well, whatever this is. I’ve included helpful charts, though the publisher insisted I make them scratch-and-sniff.
Chronicle: And what’s next for you?
Driftswoot: (Reading “Career Change at 30” articles on her tablet) The LSIU has asked me to develop what they’re calling a ‘forensic nose’—a device that can identify specific digestive gas compositions. I’m also giving a lecture at next month’s International Conference on Unconventional Forensic Methods. My presentation is called “The Nose Knows: Fart Facts and Career Regret.”
The interview concludes as Dr. Driftswoot receives an urgent text from the LSIU about a case involving missing gym socks and a suspect with a concerning fondness for carbonated beverages. She gathers her things with the weary resignation of someone who has accepted their peculiar fate.
“At least,” she muses, reaching for her gas chromatography equipment, “nobody else is competing for my research grants.”
Dr. Driftswoot’s guide, “Breaking Wind: A Scientific Analysis of Digestive Gases in Forensic Applications,” will be published next month. The scratch-and-sniff edition was firmly vetoed by the publisher’s legal team.