Dear Dockless Bike Lessee,
In a city filled with so many choices, thank you for choosing our dockless bike hiring platform. We hope that you have pleasure riding us.
There is always an element of danger when it comes to operating any vehicle. Therefore idiocy will not be tolerated for the sake of your safety. Below are some basic guidelines — should you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask.
Most cyclists in the cities will know how divisive it can be. You routinely suffer from flip-offs and get randomly yelled at by pedestrians or motorists on the streets for no fucking reason (or so it seems).
We recommend that you make the effort to engage in friendly behavior no matter what happens.
Put on a warm smile (a seductive one if need be). A smile can be so powerful that it can even turn your enemies on your side.
Greet people (not with the finger). A simple wave or hello can represent you well. It’s just good manners.
Being affable not only makes you feel great; it will extend the same sentiments to others. Plus, as an added bonus, they associate our brand with a warm and approachable image too. =)
You can kick our ugly bike to the curb
No, you can’t do that. You shouldn’t do that.
A row of bikes, parked amidst the beloved parks, sticks out like a sore thumb in the picturesque backdrop. Then a few others, strewn haphazardly at access paths and transport nodes, face the wrath of flying expletives from commuters. These unsightly scenes of our rental bikes scattered around randomly, which we note, are causing quite a bit of hubbub.
We are conceptualizing ideas to add some zing to our bikes in the near future. Like a new floral design paintwork to blend into parks. Like installing colorful pinwheels and helium filled mylar balloons to add some sparkle to the surroundings. We are even thinking of implementing a new transparent metal (it’s real) into our frames so our bikes can be see-through.
While we do that, we implore that you return our bikes to designated public bicycle-parking areas and not park anywhere that causes obstruction.
Get a grip
Handlebar grips are the point of contact for your hands and are often overlooked. Having a good pair of them will reduce your fatigue, increase your control and make your ride more enjoyable. Because we are so thoughtful, our bikes are equipped with awesome ergonomic grips which offer better hand comfort and position.
That being said, our efforts will be in vain if you perhaps decide that it’s funkier to cycle no handed. Maybe you want to peel and eat a banana. Or you just want to pretend you are Winkie the Aeroplane.
Look, no hands! Look, no feet! Woah! Look again, no teeth!
The danger is very real. So are our repair costs.
UUHRR ARRG ROOOGHH
When going upslope, remember to switch your lower gears. Oh wait, we only have a single gear. Ok, you gotta muscle it through. Get savage. Bring out that piece of the primal back. Pedal like a big, hairy-arsed, man-eating Korowai is after you. Cry if need be.
A real man needs no gears.
Don’t be ir-ring-tating
Most bells usually protrude up or out, like a mushroom. Ours is embedded within a sleek twist grip on the right handle bar, discreet and hardly noticeable. This is activated by twisting it.
It may be *ring* very tempting *ring ring* to ring the bell *ring ring ring* non-stop like a dickweed. *ring*
Irritating isn’t it?
The bell should be a friendly ‘ding’, not a jarring ‘trring trring trring’. Always use it with courtesy, and wave a ‘thank you’ as you pass.
We actually designed a bell that could squirt water at those pedestrians who simply refuse to acknowledge but it got disapproved by the authorities. We don’t get it.
Wheelie, wheelie don’t do that
Our bikes are built functionally for recreational use. Not for stunts. Our frames are large and heavy, our wheels are composite mags made of solid materials. They weigh a lot. Pulling a wheelie is, without any doubt, a bad decision. Our advice: Don’t even think about it.
By the way.
We will NOT be responsible for any injury, illness, death, loss (e.g. loss of fun, loss of dignity, loss of virginity), damage, expense, muscle aches, sunburns, stress, erectile dysfunction, or other claims of any description whatsoever which results from your level of stupidity. Everyone is entitled to be stupid. But don’t abuse the privilege.
Bank robbers please see
You walk into a bank, wait in line like a regular customer, slip a note to the teller with instructions to hand over the bills (and threaten with a toy gun if necessary), then walk out moments later with a huge sack of cash. Getaway is crucial. You hop on a reserved dockless bike, slip into an alleyway and be on your way.
Not so fast. Our bicycles are equipped with trusty Made-In-China GPS trackers. You are being watched. Everyone is being watched. We will find you. Wherever you are. And we are gonna tell your mommy on you.